Monday, August 14, 2017

Cracking

I feel like I am living in an after school special or a teenage, coming of age novel, but I have no narrator to tell me what is going on, or how its going to get better.

I cried last night.  It was the first time I have really let myself cry.  Nolie wanted to play with this
Image result for melissa and doug latches barn
Melissa & Doug board that  has different types of locks and latches on it. Each door opens to a different number/colored animal
. 
And when ever the boys would open one up, Mom would say what it was super fast, like "OnePurplePony" "FiveGreenFrogs."  Nolie asked me to play it with him, and I literally couldn't do it. All I could hear was Mom saying that, with the laughter in her voice, slamming the door back shut to make the boys laugh.  It was the realization that she was never going to do that again.

It broke me.  It broke my closed off wall that I had been fortifying against my pain.  I know it has to happen.  I know I am going to have to deal with her being gone.  But I don't want to.  I'm not ready to tell her good bye.  If I refuse to do it, then it can't be true.

My armor is cracking.  I am sure that this is a relief to some people (Matthew in particular) who have been worried that I am about to slide in the wrong direction, and undo all the work Dr. Terry and I have been doing.  I don't know that that is the case.  But I don't really know how to do this.  How does one deal with their mom, their best friend...?  I keep trying to convince myself that there is no WRONG way to do this.

Monday, August 7, 2017

How is this the end?

My Mom is gone. On July 25th, she entered her eternal home.  My Mom is gone.  I can say it over and over and over again, but there is a part of my brain that will not allow me to make it real.  Dr. Terry says it is a part of the process.  A version of denial.  I have set aside the massive truth that my Mom is gone, and the enormity of that realization, in order to do what needs to be done today.  I was afraid I wasn't grieving correctly.  Is that possible?  I have not really cried.  I mean, I have cried but I haven't CRIED.  I haven't had that gut wrenching, body racking cry that I think the loss of my Mother deserves.  I am assured that there really is no WRONG way to grieve.  It is different for everyone.... 

I was there.  I watched her leave this world.  I watched her leave my life.  I told her to go.  I told her it was ok to go, and she did.  But I was lying.


It wasn't ok that she left me.  I am selfish, and I wasn't ok with her leaving me. I told her it was.  I didn't want her to hurt anymore.  But I didn't want her to leave.  I mean, I know that more reasonable people know that you never really want your mom to leave you. I love my Mom.  I'm selfish enough to want her to stay instead of having my heart ripped from my chest.  But I don't actually want her to suffer any more.  I don't know how to exist in this life without my Mom. 



That is not ENTIRELY true.  A mother spends her life teaching her children how to live in the world as independent adults.  But I don't think children, raised by a loving mother, are ever truly independent from her.  Its not possible. 

Before she left.  Before she was too far gone that she wouldn't respond.  Before she quit smiling when she heard my voice.  I made some promises. Promises that I will go to my grave to make sure they are fulfilled. I promised her I would take better care of myself.  I promised that I would work with Dr, Terry to deal with deep seated issues.  I promised some other things that will stay between her and me. 

I have a lot of work to do to keep those promises, but I will.


I will talk about the last two weeks at a different time.   Just like everything else, I am going to have to work this out through my words.  I can't lock it up and hope it goes away.  I have to let this loss destroy me, so that I can, once again, pick up the pieces and find a new way to fit them together.  One that honors her memory.  And honors the promises I have made to her on her deathbed.  If a Deathbed Promise to your own Mother is not a way to make sure you turn your life around, I don't know what is...

I don't want to think about her not being here.  I don't want to think about her boys missing their Ama.  I don't want to think about her life becoming a memory.  I don't want to think about the years I will have to live without my Mom.  So from today, tomorrow, next week, I will focus only on how to live today, tomorrow and maybe next week...doing what needs to be done.  One day at a time.  Then one day will become two and two will be three, and time will pass as it is known to do.  And as time passes I simply pray that the hurt will not be as raw. The loss will become a little less overwhelming.   I will always miss her.  I will always want to tell her about my day, or relay a funny story about the boys.  Every holiday and birthday will rip open that wound, that hole in my soul that she left behind. 


I have no cute salutation to end this one.  

Monday, July 24, 2017

When it rains..It pours. Today its flooding

I don't know what I hope to gain from doing this.  Or typing this.  Its seems so arbitrary, but if I can find some semblance for peace just from getting all of this out of my head, it will be for the better.

My mom is in the hospital, again.  She is in a coma.  Oh my God, I haven't used that word yet... Her blood calcium levels are too high.  They need to get them lowered, and then she should wake back up.  It could take 2-3 days.  My mom.

We were doing so good.  I am so proud of the advances Matthew and I have made towards paying our debt and getting things back in order.  I was feeling SO GOOD.  Happy for the first time in...I don't even know how long.  Joe is helping me get started on my weight loss again.  And then we get a letter from the bank that we are about to default on our loan.  How did that happen?  I have been making payments. Partial payments don't cut it in the banking world.  I guess I was hoping that something would be better than nothing and they would take that into consideration.  I guess that only takes you so far.

I'm cracking.  I'm losing my grip again.

I was feeling so good.  I feel like this is my fault.  When I feel good, bad things happen to rip me apart again.  

Friday, July 21, 2017

Homework...

I am failing in my homework. Failing in the manner that I havent been thinking about it.  I think that is very telling.  I don't think about it.  At all.  I don't even think about me.  IN the time since I last posted, I wrote down 3 things.  Thats it. On 2 days.  And that is all the farther I have gotten.  I feel like that will be enough to talk about come Thursday.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

My Homework

I had my first solo therapy appointment.  She just pretty much lets me talk, and interjects when needed.  I think this approach works for me because there are things that go on that I am AWARE of, from a therapy point of view, and so I come to this epiphanies while I am talking. Basically the common thread between each of my mountains, is fear.  Fear of failure, disappointment*.  My fear is so great that it keeps me locked in this protective cage that i have built myself. Locked myself in.  Only I have the key to unlock it, but I won't. 


My cage "protects" me. I won't unlock it right now.  I'm too terrified.  Terrified of my own perceived shortcomings.  Fear of failure.  Fear of Disappointment*.  I'm not going to come out of that protective cage until I am confident enough not to fear that I am  failure.  And I will continue to see myself as a failure until I can look at myself (figuratively, and literally) and not despise what I see.

On to my homework. In order to build the self perception up, she wants me to make a list of things I feel like I am good at, or like about myself.  I can add to the list, but I am not allowed to delete anything from the list, because in that moment, on that day, I felt that it was true.  If I have the urge to erase something I have to mark it to show that I wanted to get rid of it but i didn't.  On the surface, this seems like an easy assignment, but it isn't.  It isn't at all.  It is emotionally draining.

Not that I don't think that there is ANYTHING good about me.  I do.  But to try to name them, recognize them, and believe that they are legit things to be aware of... I always kind of think that i don't have any reason to embrace those things.  I don't have a "right" to extol my good points.  I always think that i need to blend in, be invisible, unnoticeable.  If I don't bring attention to the good things, then people can't look closer, and see the disappointing things.  To me, the disappointing things out number the good things.  Another way my cage protects me. People can't get too close to me.  If you get too close, you will see me for what I am, not as I choose to show.



I have a pretty deceiving mask covering the outside of my cage.  I have been slowly letting that mask slip.   I think that is a pretty big accomplishment in and of itself. 

 Until Next Time, Press On and Make Strides



*NOTE: I should clarify here, that is not a fear that I will be disappointed.  Its a fear that I AM/WILL BE a disappointment.




Thursday, June 22, 2017

Mountains

I have been doing a LOT of thinking.  A lot of self reflection. Trying to find my mountains as instructed.  Honestly, at this point everything feels like a mountain.  My weight, my job, my marriage, my kids... I feel like I am struggling to conquer any of them. I've decided,just this moment, to define each of those. Each is complex, and overwhelming. It may be silly to pour out my inner toils and struggles to the nameless, faceless depth of the internet, but hey, what do I have to lose? The only issue with this, is that I have to find a way to vocalize things, and feelings, and perceptions in such a way that brings them to life.  It is the only way to make them real in a place other than my own head.

That may be one of the things that I struggle with.  Making them real.  I'm not ready to make them real yet.  If I make them real, I will have to deal with them. Then what am I left with?  The complete unknown. Something I have never known before.


If I was to be 100% honest, I don't remember ever not feeling like this. Some days I feel strong and fearless. Ready to tumble the mountains, and then days come when I feel so weak, and so empty that I can't even get myself to get out of bed.  I know that this is something I will have to live with, deal with, survive....for the rest of my life. People want to say that exercise, a healthy diet, sunshine, get enough of these things and you will "get better." No.  No, I won't.  I don't expect you to understand that... My brain doesn't work the way yours does. I need my meds.  I need them to regulate my chemicals, so keep me from destroying myself. 

What I haven't said, or don't want to say, is that it is my largest, scariest mountain.  Will exercise help me feel better about my body?  Yes. Will eating a healthy diet help me feel better? Yes.  Will sunshine feel good and increase my Vitamin D?  Yep.  Will those things cure my depression?  No.

It is my greatest mountain.

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides