Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Finding my way back...

 The main objective right now is to face and admit what went wrong.  Why did I give up?  What happened that made me decide that, once again, I don't matter.  the next few entries aren't necessarily for any one to read, but for me to put my words and thoughts and feelings into some sort of "real" existence so I might begin to sort it out.  I think this is important when you have the world you thought you lived in crumble around you, and hope with some semblance of strength and dignity you can find a way to pick up the crumbles and build it again.  You know it will never be the same, but with enough Hindsight you can realize that you don't want to build it up the same way it was...It leaves you lost. Confused...And with that...Let's begin.

So much has happened since I stopped writing.  I almost need to go back and read my own blog to know what has happened since my last Happy post.  I am not currently running anymore, but I am going to keep my tagline.  Eventually, I hope it will make sense again.  In the meantime,  I have to start piecing some pieces back together.  That's what you do when your world falls apart, right?  You pick up the pieces and you build something new.

I miss running.  I think that is first and foremost.  I felt like when I was doing races, earning medals...I was DOING something.  I was WORTH something.  When I got pregnant, I stopped running.  I didn't HAVE to, but I did.  Since then,  I have been through so much and I have been carrying so much inside of me, that I need to start letting it go.  How do I do that?  Where do I start?  I write it.  I don't care if anyone ever reads these words, but I am going to put them out there.  Out where they can't strangle me anymore, and I can move on, be healthy, and happy again.




After about two years of therapy after the Nightmare of 2013, I was finally able to start forgiving my husband for what happened.  Have I completely let it go?  No.  Absolutely not.  I don't know that I will ever be able to, but I have learned to live around it. That seems the best way to describe it.  I have built up the broken pieces, but there is a part of the structure that still has a hole in it. A weak spot. One day, it may be strengthened, but I am still working on  that.  I feel like I am working on a lot of shit, but I can't ever finish... Work in progress.  Ha!  I hate that phrase.  I don't want to be a work in progress.  I want to be better.  I want to feel better.

One of the big Silver Linings is that I finally got treatment for my depression.  I have never really acknowledged that aspect of my existence before.  I just lived my life in a dark shadow, and just dealt with the fact that that was my life.  My existence was a constant fog.  Some days it was impossible to see what was ahead of me, and some days it wasn't worth the effort it took to look around to see if it was foggy or not.  It didn't matter.  Nothing mattered.  I didn't.  Sometimes I still don't. I'm getting better with that.  Some days I matter a whole lot.  And those are the days I feel selfish.  And guilty.When those demons rear their heads, I lose sight of that value and go right back to hating myself. No, not hate.  Hate is too strong of a word..too strong of an emotion.  When I am on a dark day, there is not life in my enough to generate ANY emotion, let alone hate.  It is just nothingness.  My depression isn't about being sad.  I think that is a common misconception.  "Sad" is an emotion I don't have the energy for...


I suppose if your primary state of existence (for as long as you can remember) is a constant flip from miserable about your yourself (see the bottom half of the person in the info-gram)  to nothing at all... there isn't much effort being put into taking care the other things like health.  At this point, I feel like I should mention that I have started going back to therapy, in case some one DOES read this and becomes concerned.

I have started taking a little bit more of an active role in my life. Its small but I need to start somewhere.  I am setting small goals for myself.  Nothing too big.  Increase water consumption.  Get to bed a little earlier.  Move more than the day before.  Just small things.  I haven't found my spark yet.  I haven't found that catalyst to really jump start my efforts.  Though I believe that catalyst will come after the phone call with the doctor I will have this afternoon. 

Until next time I will say Press on, and Make Strides :

Starting Point: Here we are again

Where shall I even begin trying to describe where I am now?  In the last 3 years, give or take, I have managed to put myself right back to where I was before I lost any of my weight.  Right back to where I SWORE I would never be again.  I don't need to get into detail of what has occurred that has led me back here, but I know what it comes down to is that I just stopped caring.  I stopped caring about taking care of myself.  Putting in the effort to plan my meals, exercise regularly, take care of myself.  It wasnt for a lack of good intentions because I have those in spades.  In fact, I have so many good intentions I could afford to give some away.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

A New Mission

Its been awhile since I have blogged. The newest and latest update from me is:

Don't let the pink fool you, we don't know what we are having yet. I'm due December 21st. Honestly, what has caused me to write this blog is the disappointment I have about my health during this pregnancy. When I lost all my weight I had visions of being one of those cute pregnant ladies. You know all belly and adorable? Instead, I have put most of my weight back on, ok not most but a lot, and it is the opposite of what I thought I would like this time around. I realize that it isn't about what I LOOK like, but for me, it kinda is. I mean it is more than that, its the disappointment in myself that I have allowed the weight to come back. I am pretty mad at myself for that. I am 12 weeks. I have plenty of time to begin doing something about it. I am not talking about calorie restricting diet, obviously. But I need to start moving and doing pregnancy safe workouts and getting back to my healthy diet. It is what is best for me and the baby. I know I wont drop a lot of weight, but I will have the foundation in place for after the baby is born so that I can lose weight again. I want to get back to where I was, maybe even a little more. I miss how good I felt. How much easier it was to breathe or climb stairs. I am going to start walking again. Just start over. I want to run again and not be miserable. So my goal for next year is to get back to running shape. With ACTUAL training this time. I would like to start strength training again. Maybe I will do that 3 days a week and then walk whenever I feel like it. Or if I don't want too do ST then I walk. SOMETHING. Its the best for me and the baby. Oh and I should probably stop indulging in my pizza cravings. LOL.

 I think that is all for now. I took you on my journey of training for Goofy. Now I will take you on Mission: Healthy Pregnancy. This will be just as challenging. Again, I have quite the prize at the end of the journey!

Until Next Time, Run On and Be Happy!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Kindling?


Spring race season is upon us. Am I ready? Nope. Have I been preparing? Nope. I have been stuck in the biggest rut, funk, hole… whatever you want to call it, and I have done nothing to turn the tides. Do you know what that adds up too? About 50 pounds in weight gain from my lowest in 2011. A lack of drive for, basically, anything. Way too much ice cream. Way too many Girl Scout cookies. No running. No weight training. My pants don’t fit. I cant wear any of my cute dresses. I can barely make it through an hour of Zumba. And I have a Half Marathon in exactly 3 weeks. I haven’t really run since Goofy. I am hoping to get out on the roads this weekend but we are supposed to get a huge snowstorm (Today IS the first day of Spring, right?) So I don’t know if that will happen or not. Its not that I am worried about running the Half. Its my 18th.  It’s natural now. In fact, it may be what I need to truly kick it back into gear!

In, the mean time, I am frustrated. I am not, however, frustrated enough to actually DO anything about it, which frustrates me even more.

 I am uncomfortable. My clothes don’t fit. I hate that when I look down now, I have a double chin…again. I have been here before. I vowed to myself that I would never go back there. And here I am, well on my way. Maybe not to 300 lbs, but after being 190, 240 feels an awful LOT like 300.  I am doing JUST enough to keep things from getting out of control, but not enough to actually make things move back in the other direction.

I’m getting close though. There are days when I can feel it: That thing I need to happen, to feel deep in my gut, that fire it takes to make true change in your life. Its flickering. It just hasn’t caught hold yet.

 

Anyone got a blow torch?

Monday, February 18, 2013

Goin' Goofy: The Day After


It’s Marathon Monday, and everywhere you looked were the signs of what had been done the day before. Runner were waddling, groaning at the bus stairs, and sporting Bling each and every variety from the proceeding weekend.  One thing about runners, we do like to celebrate ourselves! Congratulations were given freely and sincerely to and from each weekend warrior to the other.  I will be honest, I loved it. I loved every minute of it. I was puffed up with self congratulations because of that Goofy head hanging around my neck, and I will not for one second feel badly about it.  This was my moment and damn it, I had earned it!

Laurie and I decided to spend our victory day in Epcot. We both love Epcot. It is my favorite of the parks in WDW. I love going around World Showcase. I always get a Fiesta Margarita in Mexico, and it seemed more than appropriate given the situation!  The self made videos in Spaceship Earth never cease to make me laugh. I think MouseWorks is an awesome souvenir store. Anyway, I was more than happy to spend our last day at Epcot.  First thing was first and that was Spaceship Earth, or as I referred to it in the previous blog ‘the Ball.’  We had our picture taken together on the backside of the Ball in our Goofy Shirts and medals. It seemed only right since, like I said, every race we did that weekend began and ended in Epcot. That fact means even more to me since Epcot IS my favorite park, and now its sentimental meaning for me had grown exponentially over the course of the last 3 days.  It is now the site of the completion of a dream.  A wild idea that had come true.

Laurie went over to Test Track to checkout the changes they had made. I found a bench and stretched out my sore shins.  She wasn’t impressed with the changes they had made. I don’t do Test Track. I have once, but it made me sick, so I avoid it now. I just watched people, and waited. Stretching felt good. When Laurie was done we went over to World Showcase.

We started in Canada so Laurie could get a beer and I got Matthew a hockey tee shirt and we posed in the photo op cut out. I just did it to be silly. Little did I know, it would lead to a “thing” and suddenly ‘Goofy Around the World’ was born. We stopped in each pavilion and took photo with our Goofy medal. It was some of the most fun I had all weekend. We window shopped, took pictures, watched a couple performances and I even got some Christmas shopping done! 

We sat on a bench in the shade in Mexico and sipped our margaritas and people watched.  We still had to pack and it was getting late in the afternoon so we went back to eat at Sunshine Seasons at the Land. They have the BEST pork chop there. The Rotisserie chicken is wonderful. The bakery has the best yummies.  They have a Raspberry Dark Chocolate Cupcake that I wanted to celebrate with, unfortunately, they didn’t have any that day so I settled for my delicious pork chop with homemade BBQ, cheddar mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. Yummy! The food at Sunshine Seasons is made with ingredients from The Land's Greenhouses so everything is super fresh. Aft we finished out meal, it was getting late so we decided we should head back to the resort and start packing. On our way out to the bus who should we happen to see posing for pictures? GOOFY! We HAD to stop and get a picture with Goofy!

The problem with buying stuff is that now I had to find a way to get it all in my suitcase!! We got everything packed a ready to go in the morning, decided to go have our last hoorah at Ragland Road. We ate some more, drank some more and celebrated. They were having live music and Irish dancing so we just kicked back and enjoyed ourselves.  It was just a perfect way to tie up our trip and our journey around the world. 
 
We had a later flight out on Tuesday so we didn't have to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn. We had breakfast at the resort after we got our bags checked in.  Its always pretty depressing waiting for (what we in the Rose Family call) the Sad Bus. We never want to go back to reality, but it seemed especially hard this time. We had such and amazing, epic week and I honestly didn't want it to be over. I still don't and it is a month later!!  So many thing inside myself changed that weekend. I guess in that way, Goofy weekend will never end. Through this process I have learned so much about myself, but those tings will wait for another day.
 
Until Next Time, Run On & Be Happy!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Beginning of Goofy Around the World: Canada
 
England
 
France
 
MorrocoMorroco again because I love this fountain thing
 
 
 
Japan
 
 
 
Goofy with the Japanese Drummers
 
America
Italy
 
 Germany
 
 
China
 
 
 
Norway
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Mexico and my Fiesta Maragrita
 
 
Cappuccino Cupcake 
 
So symbolic of our weekend
 
 
GOOOFY!!
 
 
 
Wrapping up our trip around the world in Ireland
 
 
 
 
 
 On the bus back to the resort
 
 
 Nerd Mickey and my carry on are ready to head to the airport. I am NOT.
 
Sad Bus
 
 
 My airplane snacks Laurie's airplane snacks