Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The doctor's office called.  I am well on my way to dying young.  That's a hard realization.  I'm 34.  I have high cholesterol. I am severely obese.  I have high potassium levels in my blood.

I guess you can continue to ignore yourself and dig your own grave with a fat covered shovel or you can face the facts that are choking out your heart and kidneys. 

My doctor isn't necessarily overly concerned with the cholesterol because we are working together already about losing weight.  If after losing weight, there is still an issue with the cholesterol, then we will take a more aggressive approach. 

What if there is something wrong with my kidneys?  Are my kidneys damaged?  I don't know that this is necessarily the place to work this out, but I don't know what else to do until Tuesday.

I want to believe that it is nothing.  I also know that I was most likely dehydrated.  I also know that I can't ignore it.  I think it is becoming something to focus on OTHER that the fact that I am 300 fucking pounds.  I did this again.   I swore that I was never going to be like this again.  And here I am.  I don't wnt to be like this anymore.   I dont want to feel like this.  I am ashamed.  I am embarrassed., bu mostly, I am ashamed.  I am ashamed that my boys have a fat mom.  A lazy fat mom.  I want so badly to pretend that it isnt as bad as it is.  Then I get slapped with a picture that looks like this:

and it is no longer something you can ignore.  There it is. taking up the same amount of space as my mother and brother.  Yuck.  I am so glad that Matthew loves me.  If he wasn't so affectionate towards me...I honestly don't know what I would do.  I clearly do mot love myself.  My heart is struggling, my kidneys are damaged.  I am almost+ pounds overweight... Why can't I change it?  What is stopping me?! How can I go on everyday living like this?  I don't represent my family well. I don't represent my job well.

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Finding my way back...

 The main objective right now is to face and admit what went wrong.  Why did I give up?  What happened that made me decide that, once again, I don't matter.  the next few entries aren't necessarily for any one to read, but for me to put my words and thoughts and feelings into some sort of "real" existence so I might begin to sort it out.  I think this is important when you have the world you thought you lived in crumble around you, and hope with some semblance of strength and dignity you can find a way to pick up the crumbles and build it again.  You know it will never be the same, but with enough Hindsight you can realize that you don't want to build it up the same way it was...It leaves you lost. Confused...And with that...Let's begin.

So much has happened since I stopped writing.  I almost need to go back and read my own blog to know what has happened since my last Happy post.  I am not currently running anymore, but I am going to keep my tagline.  Eventually, I hope it will make sense again.  In the meantime,  I have to start piecing some pieces back together.  That's what you do when your world falls apart, right?  You pick up the pieces and you build something new.

I miss running.  I think that is first and foremost.  I felt like when I was doing races, earning medals...I was DOING something.  I was WORTH something.  When I got pregnant, I stopped running.  I didn't HAVE to, but I did.  Since then,  I have been through so much and I have been carrying so much inside of me, that I need to start letting it go.  How do I do that?  Where do I start?  I write it.  I don't care if anyone ever reads these words, but I am going to put them out there.  Out where they can't strangle me anymore, and I can move on, be healthy, and happy again.

After about two years of therapy after the Nightmare of 2013, I was finally able to start forgiving my husband for what happened.  Have I completely let it go?  No.  Absolutely not.  I don't know that I will ever be able to, but I have learned to live around it. That seems the best way to describe it.  I have built up the broken pieces, but there is a part of the structure that still has a hole in it. A weak spot. One day, it may be strengthened, but I am still working on  that.  I feel like I am working on a lot of shit, but I can't ever finish... Work in progress.  Ha!  I hate that phrase.  I don't want to be a work in progress.  I want to be better.  I want to feel better.

One of the big Silver Linings is that I finally got treatment for my depression.  I have never really acknowledged that aspect of my existence before.  I just lived my life in a dark shadow, and just dealt with the fact that that was my life.  My existence was a constant fog.  Some days it was impossible to see what was ahead of me, and some days it wasn't worth the effort it took to look around to see if it was foggy or not.  It didn't matter.  Nothing mattered.  I didn't.  Sometimes I still don't. I'm getting better with that.  Some days I matter a whole lot.  And those are the days I feel selfish.  And guilty.When those demons rear their heads, I lose sight of that value and go right back to hating myself. No, not hate.  Hate is too strong of a word..too strong of an emotion.  When I am on a dark day, there is not life in my enough to generate ANY emotion, let alone hate.  It is just nothingness.  My depression isn't about being sad.  I think that is a common misconception.  "Sad" is an emotion I don't have the energy for...

I suppose if your primary state of existence (for as long as you can remember) is a constant flip from miserable about your yourself (see the bottom half of the person in the info-gram)  to nothing at all... there isn't much effort being put into taking care the other things like health.  At this point, I feel like I should mention that I have started going back to therapy, in case some one DOES read this and becomes concerned.

I have started taking a little bit more of an active role in my life. Its small but I need to start somewhere.  I am setting small goals for myself.  Nothing too big.  Increase water consumption.  Get to bed a little earlier.  Move more than the day before.  Just small things.  I haven't found my spark yet.  I haven't found that catalyst to really jump start my efforts.  Though I believe that catalyst will come after the phone call with the doctor I will have this afternoon. 

Until next time I will say Press on, and Make Strides :

Starting Point: Here we are again

Where shall I even begin trying to describe where I am now?  In the last 3 years, give or take, I have managed to put myself right back to where I was before I lost any of my weight.  Right back to where I SWORE I would never be again.  I don't need to get into detail of what has occurred that has led me back here, but I know what it comes down to is that I just stopped caring.  I stopped caring about taking care of myself.  Putting in the effort to plan my meals, exercise regularly, take care of myself.  It wasnt for a lack of good intentions because I have those in spades.  In fact, I have so many good intentions I could afford to give some away.