Wow...

So much has happened!! After my near complete emotional breakdown (I had to have one eventually), I put my head back on right, and got to work making some things happen.  I approached my Uncle to see if he could use some help at his business.  Of course, he agreed.  I have been there full time, while I was applying left and right for jobs that I thought I would enjoy/excel doing. I applied at a salon/spa, which I would have really enjoyed working at, but it was a long commute, so it was kind of low on the list.  I found a Human Resources Assistant at HNI (Hon) position.  It was basically what I was doing at TMH.  It is a good company to work for, but I haven't heard from them so I'm not holding my breath.

I also went WAY out of my comfort zone and applied for a position that I have NO experience of knowledge, but I thought, "What the hell?'  Its a Dental Assistant Trainee.  On the job training to work towards you Dental Assistant Certificate.  Well...I got it.  Me, with no experience whatsoever, beat out ACTUAL certified dental assistants because the Hiring Office Manager liked me so much.

Unfortunately, because it is a doctor's office, I had to change my hair.  :(  I am a little bummed about that, but really, in the big scheme of things, its a small sacrifice.

I feel really good about this new chapter.  I officially start on Thursday, but I went in today and met everyone, got the tour, filled out paperwork, that kind of stuff.

 I have a few things to wrap up with Unemployment before I can fully close the door on TMH.  I am SOOO ready to be done with that place.  Not that I'm mad, or disgruntled, just that I am doing some pretty awesome stuff, for ME, and I feel like there are these strings that are still tying me down.  I got a payment from UI that I shouldn't have, so I know I am going to have to give it back, which isn't a big deal.  I wasn't expecting it, and though I would love to keep it, we have made arrangements to cover our expenses already.  It comes down to waiting for the state to send me the paper requesting the money be repaid.  I called and asked if I could just do it now, but in true government fashion, I can't do that, I have to wait for them to officially realize their mistake and make an official request.  SO DUMB!!!  I just hate this feeling that I am still indentured to a company that I have no part of anymore.  I am still tied down, held back... I was feeling so...empowered.

I will NOT let this affect me.  I will not.  I can't.  I have been working SO hard to crawl out of this hole I have been in far SOOOO long.  I just feel like this one lasting chain is tugging me back in.  It is SO FRUSTRATING!

BUT I have an exciting, and slightly terrifying new en devour waiting for me to shake loose of this burden, and start doing something that is for ME.  Not because anyone TOLD me to do it, because I saw the opportunity.  I took the chance.  I followed my instinct.  I decided to change my path in order to change my life.

 I am working to improve my mental well being.  I have decided to renew my spiritual life.  I have decided to make lifestyle changes. I am doing all of these things. Me. For ME.  In my 35 years on this Earth, I have never really ever done anything that was solely for me.  Not because I was doing what I thought I SHOULD do.  Not because I was motivated by shame or guilt, but because I wanted to do those things.

I am not going to be deterred by this bump in the road.  I will not.

Until Next Time, Press On and Make Strides.

Faith Lift Me Up

Faith Lift Me Up

“Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings.” Psalm 63:7

The song "Up Where We Belong" was released in 1982, recorded by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes. Written by Jack Nitzsche, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Will Jennings, the Grammy Award-winning song mirrors elements of Solomon’s dilemma regarding the futility of life as found in the Book of Ecclesiastes. The song reflects,“Who knows what tomorrow brings, in a world few hearts survive.” The irony is that in the despair of futility, the writers also conclude that there is nothing more in life beyond self. Listen to these lyrics, “Some hang on to used to be, live their lives looking behind, all we have is here and now.” Here and now? Praise God that the here and now is not our final destination. All we have is yet to be. The glorious promise of eternal life in the presence of God ought to lift us up into the stratosphere! While lyrics can often be open to interpretation, I could not help but be drawn to the lyrics, “Love lift us up where we belong, far from the world below.” Isn’t this our passion and hope? That our faith in the unwavering love of Jesus Christ lifts us up to our rightful place beside our Lord? That we live for the promise of our future above, while keeping ourselves from being trapped here on earth below? It’s easy to get caught up in the emotions and drama of this life. We forget that this life is temporal as we sometimes live precariously, as if this is all there is. God doesn't want you to live according to the dictates of your emotions. He calls you to live by faith. (2 Corinthians 5:7). Your emotions are susceptible to every negative thing going on around you, but your faith can lift you above and give you victory. Faith must be exercised; you can't just sit down, do nothing and expect a faith infusion. Your passivity gives your emotions the right to rule you. Emotions have no power over you, except the power you give them. One of the best ways to lift your spirit is by reflecting on the truth of scripture found in the great hymns of the faith. From the victory of Christ’s resurrection sung in “Lift High the Cross” to the moving portrayal of the passion of Christ sung in “Lamb of God,” truth in hymns can move you from futility to faith. Let your Lord lift you up where you belong; in His presence.

Prayer
Heavenly Father, I place this world behind me, Your cross before me, as I come praising You in Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I have GOT to get a job

This is no joke.  I HAVE to find a job, like NOW.  I am freaking out.  How are we going to provide for our boys, pay our bills?  I am mad searching.  No calls.  I have some calls out, but they aren't too promising.  I just need someone to give me chance. I can learn anything.  I just need the chance to do it. Right now, I am regretting ever leaving the bank.  I am regretting ever starting to work there.  I should have stayed.   I thought all of this was for the best.  Its not.  It is horrible.  I am falling apart.  I am so stressed.  I haven't eaten in probably 2 days now.  We have a truck payment to make, and groceries to buy and I dont know how it is going to happen.  I dont know.  I am letting everyone down.  I am trying to put on a strong front, but it isnt working.  I cant keep it up much longer.  Maybe I will go work at Walmart.  Shit pay is better than no pay, and I already hate the public, and holidays.  I will miss a lot of Hayden's hockey... I will miss a lot of stuff, but I guess that cant be a defining factor right now.

The Emotional Dam Broke

Last night was it.  There was a sweatshirt on my bed that was Mom's.  I must have borrowed it, and didn't get it back to her.  I've been known to do that.  Anyway, i just sat on my bed and held that sweatshirt.  It all came crashing in on me.  Matthew was in the shower, by the time he made it to the bedroom, tears were streaming down my face.  "I assume that was your mom's?"  And that was it.  "I just miss her so much."  I lost it.  The dam broke.  Thank goodness he was there.

It was the sobbing that I had been waiting for.  the gut wrenching, body shaking, hyperventilating, almost puking sobs that exhaust the energy from your entire body.  I just sobbed into that sweatshirt and he held me; crying too.  It was the thought that I didn't get to give the damn thing back to her.  And I never would.  And I was overwhelmed with all of the things that I would never get to do again.  We would never go shopping on my birthday again.  And go to Olive Garden for lunch to have salad, bread sticks, stuffed mushrooms and split a piece of Raspberry White-Chocolate cheesecake.  She would never again bring over a bag of clothes for the boys because she had a billion coupons for Kohls.  We would never again go to Kelly's Tree Farm to get a Christmas Tree.  I thought about how we would never just sit in her kitchen and talk.  Over and over, rolling through my head, were all these simple little things that we would never do again.  Big things, and tiny things that I never appreciated before.  I will never send a stupid chicken picture on the first of the month.  God, she hated chickens. LOL.

Why did she have to leave?   I miss her so much.  She didn't get to see Nolan on his first day of preschool today.  She should have been here. The next few monthes are going to be worse.  I know that Nolan's first day was just the beginning.  There will be no birthday Chicken and Dumplings. There will be no ridiculous Halloween costume.  There will be an empty seat at Thanksgiving dinner.  There will be no going to their house to decorate Christmas cookies.  How do we live without seeing her smile, and hearing her laugh.

Its not fucking fair.  

This is not what she wanted

Sometimes, at the most random of moments... a picture, a phrase, a moment in time... and I remember, like a cannonball to my chest, that she isn't here anymore.  Like all of this other stuff that is happening right now...it shouldn't even matter, because she isn't here.  Oh Lordy, she would be so mad at me if she EVER heard me say that out loud. 90% of the effort I am putting into the things I am doing now, are because she isn't here anymore.  Because I made a promise to her.  The last thing I would ever give to her, was my word that I would take care of my family for her. And that I would take care of myself for her.  Because it was what she wanted...  

And, now, its all that is left that I can give her.  I will plunge head first into things I don't want to face, or talk about, because I know it is the way that I keep my promise and honor a woman who did nothing but care for and love other people.  That's how I honor her.  But it is so hard to do... It hurts so much. Not as much as not having her, but it hurts.  In a different way.  I don't want to be scared any more. I don't want to feel unworthy of love or greatness.  Thats not what she wanted for her children.  And now, each time I feel that way, I look at her smiling face, and remember that she NEVER wanted me to feel like this.  She wanted me to be Great.  To be something Special.  

She wants me To Be Me.

Until Next Time,  Press On and Make Strides.

Constant forward motion

Life is such a pain in the ass, but I'm learning to roll with the punches.  To a certain point.  Part of me enjoys this time.  I drink my coffee. Get my laundry done.  Clean things. I work out. Spend time with my family... Things that I didn't have the energy to do.  I am not locked to my phone (except waiting for a call for an interview).  My stress is from my own business, my own issues, my own stress.  That is a change.

I did love that company.  I still do.  I miss the people.  I saw Steph yesterday at the gym... It was a reminder of how much I loved those people.  Like my own family.  That's what I miss.

I also know, deep in my bones, that my very well being needed this time.  I am working on myself.  I work out almost every day.  I still need to work on  my eating.  I dont eat that much.  Once...maybe twice a day.  I know I need to fuel the kind of workouts I am doing, but I am not.  That is another mountain.

I will be discussing it with Dr. Terry, because this is kind of a newer realization for me.  I find comfort in food.  I always have.  I also drown my feelings in food.  So either I use it to make myself feel good, or I use it to hide from what I am feeling.  Now that I am feeling relatively good, don't need food.  If that is not disordered eating, I'd like you to give me a better example.  Apparently, if I am not trying to feel numb, or artificially comforted, I don't feel like I need to eat.  I mean, I do. kinda.  I do eventually get legitimately hungry.

I don't necessarily like divulging into my own issues, but I am getting a little more open to it.  All part of the process right?

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides.

Sometimes, You Just Have to Laugh...

Soooooo..... I got laid off.  Yep.  So that happened.  If the universe is trying to test my resilience, I think it is doing a pretty fucking good job.

I am actually not that upset about the job, to be honest.  Maybe I should be...but I'm not.  My therapist said that lately I have been on the fence on whether I wanted to be there or not anyway.  So far, its been ok.  I don't feel like I lost that much.  I miss the people, of course.

 I feel like God it telling me to step back.  Re-evaluate. I have been working on the house. Spending time with my boys.  I am not completely tied up with work. I have been working out. Taking care of me. I want a job. I want to contribute to our household, but I am also feeling good bout taking this time to reset.  Reset my mind.  Reset my priorities.  Reset.


Until Next Time, Press On and Make Strides