The Emotional Dam Broke

Last night was it.  There was a sweatshirt on my bed that was Mom's.  I must have borrowed it, and didn't get it back to her.  I've been known to do that.  Anyway, i just sat on my bed and held that sweatshirt.  It all came crashing in on me.  Matthew was in the shower, by the time he made it to the bedroom, tears were streaming down my face.  "I assume that was your mom's?"  And that was it.  "I just miss her so much."  I lost it.  The dam broke.  Thank goodness he was there.

It was the sobbing that I had been waiting for.  the gut wrenching, body shaking, hyperventilating, almost puking sobs that exhaust the energy from your entire body.  I just sobbed into that sweatshirt and he held me; crying too.  It was the thought that I didn't get to give the damn thing back to her.  And I never would.  And I was overwhelmed with all of the things that I would never get to do again.  We would never go shopping on my birthday again.  And go to Olive Garden for lunch to have salad, bread sticks, stuffed mushrooms and split a piece of Raspberry White-Chocolate cheesecake.  She would never again bring over a bag of clothes for the boys because she had a billion coupons for Kohls.  We would never again go to Kelly's Tree Farm to get a Christmas Tree.  I thought about how we would never just sit in her kitchen and talk.  Over and over, rolling through my head, were all these simple little things that we would never do again.  Big things, and tiny things that I never appreciated before.  I will never send a stupid chicken picture on the first of the month.  God, she hated chickens. LOL.

Why did she have to leave?   I miss her so much.  She didn't get to see Nolan on his first day of preschool today.  She should have been here. The next few monthes are going to be worse.  I know that Nolan's first day was just the beginning.  There will be no birthday Chicken and Dumplings. There will be no ridiculous Halloween costume.  There will be an empty seat at Thanksgiving dinner.  There will be no going to their house to decorate Christmas cookies.  How do we live without seeing her smile, and hearing her laugh.

Its not fucking fair.