My Homework

I had my first solo therapy appointment.  She just pretty much lets me talk, and interjects when needed.  I think this approach works for me because there are things that go on that I am AWARE of, from a therapy point of view, and so I come to this epiphanies while I am talking. Basically the common thread between each of my mountains, is fear.  Fear of failure, disappointment*.  My fear is so great that it keeps me locked in this protective cage that i have built myself. Locked myself in.  Only I have the key to unlock it, but I won't. 

My cage "protects" me. I won't unlock it right now.  I'm too terrified.  Terrified of my own perceived shortcomings.  Fear of failure.  Fear of Disappointment*.  I'm not going to come out of that protective cage until I am confident enough not to fear that I am  failure.  And I will continue to see myself as a failure until I can look at myself (figuratively, and literally) and not despise what I see.

On to my homework. In order to build the self perception up, she wants me to make a list of things I feel like I am good at, or like about myself.  I can add to the list, but I am not allowed to delete anything from the list, because in that moment, on that day, I felt that it was true.  If I have the urge to erase something I have to mark it to show that I wanted to get rid of it but i didn't.  On the surface, this seems like an easy assignment, but it isn't.  It isn't at all.  It is emotionally draining.

Not that I don't think that there is ANYTHING good about me.  I do.  But to try to name them, recognize them, and believe that they are legit things to be aware of... I always kind of think that i don't have any reason to embrace those things.  I don't have a "right" to extol my good points.  I always think that i need to blend in, be invisible, unnoticeable.  If I don't bring attention to the good things, then people can't look closer, and see the disappointing things.  To me, the disappointing things out number the good things.  Another way my cage protects me. People can't get too close to me.  If you get too close, you will see me for what I am, not as I choose to show.

I have a pretty deceiving mask covering the outside of my cage.  I have been slowly letting that mask slip.   I think that is a pretty big accomplishment in and of itself. 

 Until Next Time, Press On and Make Strides



*NOTE: I should clarify here, that is not a fear that I will be disappointed.  Its a fear that I AM/WILL BE a disappointment.

Stronger...

My Theme Song Lately

Until Next Time, Press On and Make Strides

Mountains

I have been doing a LOT of thinking.  A lot of self reflection. Trying to find my mountains as instructed.  Honestly, at this point everything feels like a mountain.  My weight, my job, my marriage, my kids... I feel like I am struggling to conquer any of them. I've decided,just this moment, to define each of those. Each is complex, and overwhelming. It may be silly to pour out my inner toils and struggles to the nameless, faceless depth of the internet, but hey, what do I have to lose? The only issue with this, is that I have to find a way to vocalize things, and feelings, and perceptions in such a way that brings them to life.  It is the only way to make them real in a place other than my own head.

That may be one of the things that I struggle with.  Making them real.  I'm not ready to make them real yet.  If I make them real, I will have to deal with them. Then what am I left with?  The complete unknown. Something I have never known before.

If I was to be 100% honest, I don't remember ever not feeling like this. Some days I feel strong and fearless. Ready to tumble the mountains, and then days come when I feel so weak, and so empty that I can't even get myself to get out of bed.  I know that this is something I will have to live with, deal with, survive....for the rest of my life. People want to say that exercise, a healthy diet, sunshine, get enough of these things and you will "get better." No.  No, I won't.  I don't expect you to understand that... My brain doesn't work the way yours does. I need my meds.  I need them to regulate my chemicals, so keep me from destroying myself. 

What I haven't said, or don't want to say, is that it is my largest, scariest mountain.  Will exercise help me feel better about my body?  Yes. Will eating a healthy diet help me feel better? Yes.  Will sunshine feel good and increase my Vitamin D?  Yep.  Will those things cure my depression?  No.

It is my greatest mountain.

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

Lost

Saturday was a great day. I felt good... Sunday was the exact opposite.  Way far away opposite. I haven't quite recovered from that. I'm back in therapy.  Which is good. I know its good.... Its scary.  Its terrifying to know that there is no hiding.  If I hide, then it isnt going to help and we will just be wasting money.  Dr. Terry wants me to identify my metaphorical mountains that need conquered.  She says they aren't really mountains, but I am going to feel like they are. I haven't even tried to name them yet, and its already feeling like too much.  I know it is going to get worse before it gets better in this case.  That is terrifying too. And its really hard to look past the terrifying part and see that there is hope that i won't have to constantly live like this.

For someone who went to college with the intentions of becoming a therapist, I have been avoiding this for quite some time. I'm scared. I'm scared to face the past, the present... and the future.

Everything is a fucking mountain. I'm tired of climbing. I'm tired.  Not sleepy.  My soul is tired. My soul is exhausted... I think I am trying to be something that I'm not.  Something I never was.  Something I can never be. I am pretending to have confidence.  I'm pretending that I am...more than what I am.  Fake it till you make it, right?  But I am not going to "make it" when I know that I will never be able to be that person.  I am too lost.  I don't who I am...who I am supposed to be.  Every time I feel like I am making progress, I am shot down.  I want so many things that I know I can never have.

I'm lost.  LOL, lost?  How can a person be lost when they don't even know where they are supposed to be?

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

4 years

That's how long it has been since I have put any sort of effort into myself.  It is so much "easier" to focus on other people's issues than my own. 4 years is a long time to do nothing.  I can try to lie to myself, or make excuses as to WHY I stopped caring about and for myself, but they would be just that, lies and excuses.

Im tired of lies and excuses.  4 damn years of lies to myself and excuses as to why those lies dictate my life.  I am tired of having that control my life, my feelings, my well-being. I'm going to be 35 next month.  I don't want to enter into my late 30s still feeling like this.  Still avoiding feeling anything.

I think one of the biggest, most valuable lessons I have learned in the last few years, going through what I did, is that I learned to appreciate me for who I am.  I have never really felt that way before. I am not saying that I had this huge break through, and I am in love with myself, and I have found my self worth.  Lordy, no.  But I have found pieces of myself that I am comfortable with being me.   I'm not someone that can conform.  I am suffocated. Stagnant.  I need to express myself.  I need to know I am ok being different.  I have let go a bit of my fear of people's judgements.  Social pressures are different now than they were 4 years ago.  Its a drop in the hat, but there have been changes.  And I think that I am benefiting from them.  I still have a long way to go.  There is no magic pill that will cure my Dysthymia & Major Depressive Disorder.  That is something I will have to learn to live with every day, but I am learning that I am pretty ok just the way I am.  And on clear days, good days, I know that I am better than ok.  On clear days, I can value me for who and what I am, but I am also able to recognize that being ok with myself, doesn't mean that I can't make improvements. Clear days.

I feel like I am having more clear days lately.  4 years ago, I prayed for a partly cloudy day I have spent so much time pretending that I was ok.  For what?  Did it make me feel better?  No.  

 

Who benefits?  Not me.  So I am so busy making other people feel comfortable with my "shortcomings" that I have no energy left to actually DO something that could make me feel a bit better about my self and my life... What kind of stupid useless existence is that?!?! 

Maybe the realization of this thinking has led to to have more clear days.  Its nice to exist in a world where there is hope that, even for a day, the clouds will part and I will have some relief from the weight of my own mind.

Some where down the road, I know I will find myself.  I will find that person I was meant to become.  For now, I am going to continue working on living as the pretty awesome person I am.  Some day there will be fewer lies, fewer excuses.  Some day I won't need them. 

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

Chase What Your Heart Desires

The Doctor's office called, and my labs came back normal.  No kidney damage.  this was weighing more heavily on me than I thought.

I am making a larger effort at walking.  I know it has to be done.  I don't want to have a stroke or a bypass before I am 40.  Is my heart that bad?  I don't know.  But why risk it?

I have been doing some fun virtual runs.  It is keeping me interested.  You log your miles and you get updates on where you are on a virtual course.  Its like $20-$25 per "race"  bt if it gets me moving, its money well spent.  I would like to participate in the QCM weekend in some capacity in September.  I don't think I will be HM ready by then so I am shooting for the 5K or the Marathon Relay if I can find some people to do it with me. Its only 3.5 months away, so I don't know if that is a realistic goal or not.  The marathon, not the 5K.  I know I can do that.  I think maybe my goal should be to walk it in under an hour?  We will see how the next 3 months go.  I want to race again.  I miss it so much.

I get so frustrated because I keep taunting myself with memories of the past.  Memories of that girl I used to be.  That girl who didn't appreciate what she was doing while she was doing it.  Some where along the way I ha forgotten where I had started, where I gone, and how I had gotten there.   Forgetting those things...I lost focus.  I let the circumstances surrounding dictate my reactions.  And when my emotional state is dictating m y actions, I get into trouble.

BUT focusing on the positive, I am ACTUALLY starting to do something about it.  I am not walking every single day, but more than I was. Small steps.  Creating a habit. A routine.  I have increased my water consumption. Those are my two big habits: Move More and Drink more water.  I feel like it is a good place to start.  I have the water thing down, so I added "cook more meals."  One, I am sick and tired of eating out.  I am bored with the options. Can't get bored with cooking because there is always a new recipe to try.  I have HUNDREDS pinned on Pinterest.  And I have like 10 cookbooks with recipes that are both favorites, and yet to be discovered.  I want to pick one new recipe each week.  Maybe two, but I am starting with one.

I know what I want now.  I know what I need to do to get there.  I want to run.  I want to wake up early on Saturdays (or Sundays) and run for a medal and a tee shirt.  I want to be the person that I took for granted 5 years ago.  

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides