I have GOT to get a job

This is no joke.  I HAVE to find a job, like NOW.  I am freaking out.  How are we going to provide for our boys, pay our bills?  I am mad searching.  No calls.  I have some calls out, but they aren't too promising.  I just need someone to give me chance. I can learn anything.  I just need the chance to do it. Right now, I am regretting ever leaving the bank.  I am regretting ever starting to work there.  I should have stayed.   I thought all of this was for the best.  Its not.  It is horrible.  I am falling apart.  I am so stressed.  I haven't eaten in probably 2 days now.  We have a truck payment to make, and groceries to buy and I dont know how it is going to happen.  I dont know.  I am letting everyone down.  I am trying to put on a strong front, but it isnt working.  I cant keep it up much longer.  Maybe I will go work at Walmart.  Shit pay is better than no pay, and I already hate the public, and holidays.  I will miss a lot of Hayden's hockey... I will miss a lot of stuff, but I guess that cant be a defining factor right now.

The Emotional Dam Broke

Last night was it.  There was a sweatshirt on my bed that was Mom's.  I must have borrowed it, and didn't get it back to her.  I've been known to do that.  Anyway, i just sat on my bed and held that sweatshirt.  It all came crashing in on me.  Matthew was in the shower, by the time he made it to the bedroom, tears were streaming down my face.  "I assume that was your mom's?"  And that was it.  "I just miss her so much."  I lost it.  The dam broke.  Thank goodness he was there.

It was the sobbing that I had been waiting for.  the gut wrenching, body shaking, hyperventilating, almost puking sobs that exhaust the energy from your entire body.  I just sobbed into that sweatshirt and he held me; crying too.  It was the thought that I didn't get to give the damn thing back to her.  And I never would.  And I was overwhelmed with all of the things that I would never get to do again.  We would never go shopping on my birthday again.  And go to Olive Garden for lunch to have salad, bread sticks, stuffed mushrooms and split a piece of Raspberry White-Chocolate cheesecake.  She would never again bring over a bag of clothes for the boys because she had a billion coupons for Kohls.  We would never again go to Kelly's Tree Farm to get a Christmas Tree.  I thought about how we would never just sit in her kitchen and talk.  Over and over, rolling through my head, were all these simple little things that we would never do again.  Big things, and tiny things that I never appreciated before.  I will never send a stupid chicken picture on the first of the month.  God, she hated chickens. LOL.

Why did she have to leave?   I miss her so much.  She didn't get to see Nolan on his first day of preschool today.  She should have been here. The next few monthes are going to be worse.  I know that Nolan's first day was just the beginning.  There will be no birthday Chicken and Dumplings. There will be no ridiculous Halloween costume.  There will be an empty seat at Thanksgiving dinner.  There will be no going to their house to decorate Christmas cookies.  How do we live without seeing her smile, and hearing her laugh.

Its not fucking fair.  

This is not what she wanted

Sometimes, at the most random of moments... a picture, a phrase, a moment in time... and I remember, like a cannonball to my chest, that she isn't here anymore.  Like all of this other stuff that is happening right now...it shouldn't even matter, because she isn't here.  Oh Lordy, she would be so mad at me if she EVER heard me say that out loud. 90% of the effort I am putting into the things I am doing now, are because she isn't here anymore.  Because I made a promise to her.  The last thing I would ever give to her, was my word that I would take care of my family for her. And that I would take care of myself for her.  Because it was what she wanted...  

And, now, its all that is left that I can give her.  I will plunge head first into things I don't want to face, or talk about, because I know it is the way that I keep my promise and honor a woman who did nothing but care for and love other people.  That's how I honor her.  But it is so hard to do... It hurts so much. Not as much as not having her, but it hurts.  In a different way.  I don't want to be scared any more. I don't want to feel unworthy of love or greatness.  Thats not what she wanted for her children.  And now, each time I feel that way, I look at her smiling face, and remember that she NEVER wanted me to feel like this.  She wanted me to be Great.  To be something Special.  

She wants me To Be Me.

Until Next Time,  Press On and Make Strides.

Constant forward motion

Life is such a pain in the ass, but I'm learning to roll with the punches.  To a certain point.  Part of me enjoys this time.  I drink my coffee. Get my laundry done.  Clean things. I work out. Spend time with my family... Things that I didn't have the energy to do.  I am not locked to my phone (except waiting for a call for an interview).  My stress is from my own business, my own issues, my own stress.  That is a change.

I did love that company.  I still do.  I miss the people.  I saw Steph yesterday at the gym... It was a reminder of how much I loved those people.  Like my own family.  That's what I miss.

I also know, deep in my bones, that my very well being needed this time.  I am working on myself.  I work out almost every day.  I still need to work on  my eating.  I dont eat that much.  Once...maybe twice a day.  I know I need to fuel the kind of workouts I am doing, but I am not.  That is another mountain.

I will be discussing it with Dr. Terry, because this is kind of a newer realization for me.  I find comfort in food.  I always have.  I also drown my feelings in food.  So either I use it to make myself feel good, or I use it to hide from what I am feeling.  Now that I am feeling relatively good, don't need food.  If that is not disordered eating, I'd like you to give me a better example.  Apparently, if I am not trying to feel numb, or artificially comforted, I don't feel like I need to eat.  I mean, I do. kinda.  I do eventually get legitimately hungry.

I don't necessarily like divulging into my own issues, but I am getting a little more open to it.  All part of the process right?

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides.

Sometimes, You Just Have to Laugh...

Soooooo..... I got laid off.  Yep.  So that happened.  If the universe is trying to test my resilience, I think it is doing a pretty fucking good job.

I am actually not that upset about the job, to be honest.  Maybe I should be...but I'm not.  My therapist said that lately I have been on the fence on whether I wanted to be there or not anyway.  So far, its been ok.  I don't feel like I lost that much.  I miss the people, of course.

 I feel like God it telling me to step back.  Re-evaluate. I have been working on the house. Spending time with my boys.  I am not completely tied up with work. I have been working out. Taking care of me. I want a job. I want to contribute to our household, but I am also feeling good bout taking this time to reset.  Reset my mind.  Reset my priorities.  Reset.


Until Next Time, Press On and Make Strides

Cracking

I feel like I am living in an after school special or a teenage, coming of age novel, but I have no narrator to tell me what is going on, or how its going to get better.

I cried last night.  It was the first time I have really let myself cry.  Nolie wanted to play with this

Melissa & Doug board that  has different types of locks and latches on it. Each door opens to a different number/colored animal

. 

And when ever the boys would open one up, Mom would say what it was super fast, like "OnePurplePony" "FiveGreenFrogs."  Nolie asked me to play it with him, and I literally couldn't do it. All I could hear was Mom saying that, with the laughter in her voice, slamming the door back shut to make the boys laugh.  It was the realization that she was never going to do that again.

It broke me.  It broke my closed off wall that I had been fortifying against my pain.  I know it has to happen.  I know I am going to have to deal with her being gone.  But I don't want to.  I'm not ready to tell her good bye.  If I refuse to do it, then it can't be true.

My armor is cracking.  I am sure that this is a relief to some people (Matthew in particular) who have been worried that I am about to slide in the wrong direction, and undo all the work Dr. Terry and I have been doing.  I don't know that that is the case.  But I don't really know how to do this.  How does one deal with their mom, their best friend...?  I keep trying to convince myself that there is no WRONG way to do this.

How is this the end?

My Mom is gone. On July 25th, she entered her eternal home.  My Mom is gone.  I can say it over and over and over again, but there is a part of my brain that will not allow me to make it real.  Dr. Terry says it is a part of the process.  A version of denial.  I have set aside the massive truth that my Mom is gone, and the enormity of that realization, in order to do what needs to be done today.  I was afraid I wasn't grieving correctly.  Is that possible?  I have not really cried.  I mean, I have cried but I haven't CRIED.  I haven't had that gut wrenching, body racking cry that I think the loss of my Mother deserves.  I am assured that there really is no WRONG way to grieve.  It is different for everyone.... 

I was there.  I watched her leave this world.  I watched her leave my life.  I told her to go.  I told her it was ok to go, and she did.  But I was lying.

It wasn't ok that she left me.  I am selfish, and I wasn't ok with her leaving me. I told her it was.  I didn't want her to hurt anymore.  But I didn't want her to leave.  I mean, I know that more reasonable people know that you never really want your mom to leave you. I love my Mom.  I'm selfish enough to want her to stay instead of having my heart ripped from my chest.  But I don't actually want her to suffer any more.  I don't know how to exist in this life without my Mom. 

That is not ENTIRELY true.  A mother spends her life teaching her children how to live in the world as independent adults.  But I don't think children, raised by a loving mother, are ever truly independent from her.  Its not possible. 

Before she left.  Before she was too far gone that she wouldn't respond.  Before she quit smiling when she heard my voice.  I made some promises. Promises that I will go to my grave to make sure they are fulfilled. I promised her I would take better care of myself.  I promised that I would work with Dr, Terry to deal with deep seated issues.  I promised some other things that will stay between her and me. 

I have a lot of work to do to keep those promises, but I will.

I will talk about the last two weeks at a different time.   Just like everything else, I am going to have to work this out through my words.  I can't lock it up and hope it goes away.  I have to let this loss destroy me, so that I can, once again, pick up the pieces and find a new way to fit them together.  One that honors her memory.  And honors the promises I have made to her on her deathbed.  If a Deathbed Promise to your own Mother is not a way to make sure you turn your life around, I don't know what is...

I don't want to think about her not being here.  I don't want to think about her boys missing their Ama.  I don't want to think about her life becoming a memory.  I don't want to think about the years I will have to live without my Mom.  So from today, tomorrow, next week, I will focus only on how to live today, tomorrow and maybe next week...doing what needs to be done.  One day at a time.  Then one day will become two and two will be three, and time will pass as it is known to do.  And as time passes I simply pray that the hurt will not be as raw. The loss will become a little less overwhelming.   I will always miss her.  I will always want to tell her about my day, or relay a funny story about the boys.  Every holiday and birthday will rip open that wound, that hole in my soul that she left behind. 

I have no cute salutation to end this one.