Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The doctor's office called.  I am well on my way to dying young.  That's a hard realization.  I'm 34.  I have high cholesterol. I am severely obese.  I have high potassium levels in my blood.

I guess you can continue to ignore yourself and dig your own grave with a fat covered shovel or you can face the facts that are choking out your heart and kidneys. 

My doctor isn't necessarily overly concerned with the cholesterol because we are working together already about losing weight.  If after losing weight, there is still an issue with the cholesterol, then we will take a more aggressive approach. 

What if there is something wrong with my kidneys?  Are my kidneys damaged?  I don't know that this is necessarily the place to work this out, but I don't know what else to do until Tuesday.

I want to believe that it is nothing.  I also know that I was most likely dehydrated.  I also know that I can't ignore it.  I think it is becoming something to focus on OTHER that the fact that I am 300 fucking pounds.  I did this again.   I swore that I was never going to be like this again.  And here I am.  I don't wnt to be like this anymore.   I dont want to feel like this.  I am ashamed.  I am embarrassed., bu mostly, I am ashamed.  I am ashamed that my boys have a fat mom.  A lazy fat mom.  I want so badly to pretend that it isnt as bad as it is.  Then I get slapped with a picture that looks like this:

and it is no longer something you can ignore.  There it is. taking up the same amount of space as my mother and brother.  Yuck.  I am so glad that Matthew loves me.  If he wasn't so affectionate towards me...I honestly don't know what I would do.  I clearly do mot love myself.  My heart is struggling, my kidneys are damaged.  I am almost+ pounds overweight... Why can't I change it?  What is stopping me?! How can I go on everyday living like this?  I don't represent my family well. I don't represent my job well.

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

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