Monday, August 14, 2017

Cracking

I feel like I am living in an after school special or a teenage, coming of age novel, but I have no narrator to tell me what is going on, or how its going to get better.

I cried last night.  It was the first time I have really let myself cry.  Nolie wanted to play with this
Image result for melissa and doug latches barn
Melissa & Doug board that  has different types of locks and latches on it. Each door opens to a different number/colored animal
. 
And when ever the boys would open one up, Mom would say what it was super fast, like "OnePurplePony" "FiveGreenFrogs."  Nolie asked me to play it with him, and I literally couldn't do it. All I could hear was Mom saying that, with the laughter in her voice, slamming the door back shut to make the boys laugh.  It was the realization that she was never going to do that again.

It broke me.  It broke my closed off wall that I had been fortifying against my pain.  I know it has to happen.  I know I am going to have to deal with her being gone.  But I don't want to.  I'm not ready to tell her good bye.  If I refuse to do it, then it can't be true.

My armor is cracking.  I am sure that this is a relief to some people (Matthew in particular) who have been worried that I am about to slide in the wrong direction, and undo all the work Dr. Terry and I have been doing.  I don't know that that is the case.  But I don't really know how to do this.  How does one deal with their mom, their best friend...?  I keep trying to convince myself that there is no WRONG way to do this.

Monday, August 7, 2017

How is this the end?

My Mom is gone. On July 25th, she entered her eternal home.  My Mom is gone.  I can say it over and over and over again, but there is a part of my brain that will not allow me to make it real.  Dr. Terry says it is a part of the process.  A version of denial.  I have set aside the massive truth that my Mom is gone, and the enormity of that realization, in order to do what needs to be done today.  I was afraid I wasn't grieving correctly.  Is that possible?  I have not really cried.  I mean, I have cried but I haven't CRIED.  I haven't had that gut wrenching, body racking cry that I think the loss of my Mother deserves.  I am assured that there really is no WRONG way to grieve.  It is different for everyone.... 

I was there.  I watched her leave this world.  I watched her leave my life.  I told her to go.  I told her it was ok to go, and she did.  But I was lying.


It wasn't ok that she left me.  I am selfish, and I wasn't ok with her leaving me. I told her it was.  I didn't want her to hurt anymore.  But I didn't want her to leave.  I mean, I know that more reasonable people know that you never really want your mom to leave you. I love my Mom.  I'm selfish enough to want her to stay instead of having my heart ripped from my chest.  But I don't actually want her to suffer any more.  I don't know how to exist in this life without my Mom. 



That is not ENTIRELY true.  A mother spends her life teaching her children how to live in the world as independent adults.  But I don't think children, raised by a loving mother, are ever truly independent from her.  Its not possible. 

Before she left.  Before she was too far gone that she wouldn't respond.  Before she quit smiling when she heard my voice.  I made some promises. Promises that I will go to my grave to make sure they are fulfilled. I promised her I would take better care of myself.  I promised that I would work with Dr, Terry to deal with deep seated issues.  I promised some other things that will stay between her and me. 

I have a lot of work to do to keep those promises, but I will.


I will talk about the last two weeks at a different time.   Just like everything else, I am going to have to work this out through my words.  I can't lock it up and hope it goes away.  I have to let this loss destroy me, so that I can, once again, pick up the pieces and find a new way to fit them together.  One that honors her memory.  And honors the promises I have made to her on her deathbed.  If a Deathbed Promise to your own Mother is not a way to make sure you turn your life around, I don't know what is...

I don't want to think about her not being here.  I don't want to think about her boys missing their Ama.  I don't want to think about her life becoming a memory.  I don't want to think about the years I will have to live without my Mom.  So from today, tomorrow, next week, I will focus only on how to live today, tomorrow and maybe next week...doing what needs to be done.  One day at a time.  Then one day will become two and two will be three, and time will pass as it is known to do.  And as time passes I simply pray that the hurt will not be as raw. The loss will become a little less overwhelming.   I will always miss her.  I will always want to tell her about my day, or relay a funny story about the boys.  Every holiday and birthday will rip open that wound, that hole in my soul that she left behind. 


I have no cute salutation to end this one.  

Monday, July 24, 2017

When it rains..It pours. Today its flooding

I don't know what I hope to gain from doing this.  Or typing this.  Its seems so arbitrary, but if I can find some semblance for peace just from getting all of this out of my head, it will be for the better.

My mom is in the hospital, again.  She is in a coma.  Oh my God, I haven't used that word yet... Her blood calcium levels are too high.  They need to get them lowered, and then she should wake back up.  It could take 2-3 days.  My mom.

We were doing so good.  I am so proud of the advances Matthew and I have made towards paying our debt and getting things back in order.  I was feeling SO GOOD.  Happy for the first time in...I don't even know how long.  Joe is helping me get started on my weight loss again.  And then we get a letter from the bank that we are about to default on our loan.  How did that happen?  I have been making payments. Partial payments don't cut it in the banking world.  I guess I was hoping that something would be better than nothing and they would take that into consideration.  I guess that only takes you so far.

I'm cracking.  I'm losing my grip again.

I was feeling so good.  I feel like this is my fault.  When I feel good, bad things happen to rip me apart again.  

Friday, July 21, 2017

Homework...

I am failing in my homework. Failing in the manner that I havent been thinking about it.  I think that is very telling.  I don't think about it.  At all.  I don't even think about me.  IN the time since I last posted, I wrote down 3 things.  Thats it. On 2 days.  And that is all the farther I have gotten.  I feel like that will be enough to talk about come Thursday.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

My Homework

I had my first solo therapy appointment.  She just pretty much lets me talk, and interjects when needed.  I think this approach works for me because there are things that go on that I am AWARE of, from a therapy point of view, and so I come to this epiphanies while I am talking. Basically the common thread between each of my mountains, is fear.  Fear of failure, disappointment*.  My fear is so great that it keeps me locked in this protective cage that i have built myself. Locked myself in.  Only I have the key to unlock it, but I won't. 


My cage "protects" me. I won't unlock it right now.  I'm too terrified.  Terrified of my own perceived shortcomings.  Fear of failure.  Fear of Disappointment*.  I'm not going to come out of that protective cage until I am confident enough not to fear that I am  failure.  And I will continue to see myself as a failure until I can look at myself (figuratively, and literally) and not despise what I see.

On to my homework. In order to build the self perception up, she wants me to make a list of things I feel like I am good at, or like about myself.  I can add to the list, but I am not allowed to delete anything from the list, because in that moment, on that day, I felt that it was true.  If I have the urge to erase something I have to mark it to show that I wanted to get rid of it but i didn't.  On the surface, this seems like an easy assignment, but it isn't.  It isn't at all.  It is emotionally draining.

Not that I don't think that there is ANYTHING good about me.  I do.  But to try to name them, recognize them, and believe that they are legit things to be aware of... I always kind of think that i don't have any reason to embrace those things.  I don't have a "right" to extol my good points.  I always think that i need to blend in, be invisible, unnoticeable.  If I don't bring attention to the good things, then people can't look closer, and see the disappointing things.  To me, the disappointing things out number the good things.  Another way my cage protects me. People can't get too close to me.  If you get too close, you will see me for what I am, not as I choose to show.



I have a pretty deceiving mask covering the outside of my cage.  I have been slowly letting that mask slip.   I think that is a pretty big accomplishment in and of itself. 

 Until Next Time, Press On and Make Strides



*NOTE: I should clarify here, that is not a fear that I will be disappointed.  Its a fear that I AM/WILL BE a disappointment.




Thursday, June 22, 2017

Mountains

I have been doing a LOT of thinking.  A lot of self reflection. Trying to find my mountains as instructed.  Honestly, at this point everything feels like a mountain.  My weight, my job, my marriage, my kids... I feel like I am struggling to conquer any of them. I've decided,just this moment, to define each of those. Each is complex, and overwhelming. It may be silly to pour out my inner toils and struggles to the nameless, faceless depth of the internet, but hey, what do I have to lose? The only issue with this, is that I have to find a way to vocalize things, and feelings, and perceptions in such a way that brings them to life.  It is the only way to make them real in a place other than my own head.

That may be one of the things that I struggle with.  Making them real.  I'm not ready to make them real yet.  If I make them real, I will have to deal with them. Then what am I left with?  The complete unknown. Something I have never known before.


If I was to be 100% honest, I don't remember ever not feeling like this. Some days I feel strong and fearless. Ready to tumble the mountains, and then days come when I feel so weak, and so empty that I can't even get myself to get out of bed.  I know that this is something I will have to live with, deal with, survive....for the rest of my life. People want to say that exercise, a healthy diet, sunshine, get enough of these things and you will "get better." No.  No, I won't.  I don't expect you to understand that... My brain doesn't work the way yours does. I need my meds.  I need them to regulate my chemicals, so keep me from destroying myself. 

What I haven't said, or don't want to say, is that it is my largest, scariest mountain.  Will exercise help me feel better about my body?  Yes. Will eating a healthy diet help me feel better? Yes.  Will sunshine feel good and increase my Vitamin D?  Yep.  Will those things cure my depression?  No.

It is my greatest mountain.

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Lost

Saturday was a great day. I felt good... Sunday was the exact opposite.  Way far away opposite. I haven't quite recovered from that. I'm back in therapy.  Which is good. I know its good.... Its scary.  Its terrifying to know that there is no hiding.  If I hide, then it isnt going to help and we will just be wasting money.  Dr. Terry wants me to identify my metaphorical mountains that need conquered.  She says they aren't really mountains, but I am going to feel like they are. I haven't even tried to name them yet, and its already feeling like too much.  I know it is going to get worse before it gets better in this case.  That is terrifying too. And its really hard to look past the terrifying part and see that there is hope that i won't have to constantly live like this.

For someone who went to college with the intentions of becoming a therapist, I have been avoiding this for quite some time. I'm scared. I'm scared to face the past, the present... and the future.

Everything is a fucking mountain. I'm tired of climbing. I'm tired.  Not sleepy.  My soul is tired. My soul is exhausted... I think I am trying to be something that I'm not.  Something I never was.  Something I can never be. I am pretending to have confidence.  I'm pretending that I am...more than what I am.  Fake it till you make it, right?  But I am not going to "make it" when I know that I will never be able to be that person.  I am too lost.  I don't who I am...who I am supposed to be.  Every time I feel like I am making progress, I am shot down.  I want so many things that I know I can never have.

I'm lost.  LOL, lost?  How can a person be lost when they don't even know where they are supposed to be?

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides


Thursday, June 8, 2017

4 years

That's how long it has been since I have put any sort of effort into myself.  It is so much "easier" to focus on other people's issues than my own. 4 years is a long time to do nothing.  I can try to lie to myself, or make excuses as to WHY I stopped caring about and for myself, but they would be just that, lies and excuses.

Im tired of lies and excuses.  4 damn years of lies to myself and excuses as to why those lies dictate my life.  I am tired of having that control my life, my feelings, my well-being. I'm going to be 35 next month.  I don't want to enter into my late 30s still feeling like this.  Still avoiding feeling anything.

I think one of the biggest, most valuable lessons I have learned in the last few years, going through what I did, is that I learned to appreciate me for who I am.  I have never really felt that way before. I am not saying that I had this huge break through, and I am in love with myself, and I have found my self worth.  Lordy, no.  But I have found pieces of myself that I am comfortable with being me.   I'm not someone that can conform.  I am suffocated. Stagnant.  I need to express myself.  I need to know I am ok being different.  I have let go a bit of my fear of people's judgements.  Social pressures are different now than they were 4 years ago.  Its a drop in the hat, but there have been changes.  And I think that I am benefiting from them.  I still have a long way to go.  There is no magic pill that will cure my Dysthymia & Major Depressive Disorder.  That is something I will have to learn to live with every day, but I am learning that I am pretty ok just the way I am.  And on clear days, good days, I know that I am better than ok.  On clear days, I can value me for who and what I am, but I am also able to recognize that being ok with myself, doesn't mean that I can't make improvements. Clear days.

I feel like I am having more clear days lately.  4 years ago, I prayed for a partly cloudy day I have spent so much time pretending that I was ok.  For what?  Did it make me feel better?  No.  


Image result for its easier to smile than explain why you're sad 
Who benefits?  Not me.  So I am so busy making other people feel comfortable with my "shortcomings" that I have no energy left to actually DO something that could make me feel a bit better about my self and my life... What kind of stupid useless existence is that?!?! 

Maybe the realization of this thinking has led to to have more clear days.  Its nice to exist in a world where there is hope that, even for a day, the clouds will part and I will have some relief from the weight of my own mind.


Image result for I love things that sparkle
Some where down the road, I know I will find myself.  I will find that person I was meant to become.  For now, I am going to continue working on living as the pretty awesome person I am.  Some day there will be fewer lies, fewer excuses.  Some day I won't need them. 

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Chase What Your Heart Desires

The Doctor's office called, and my labs came back normal.  No kidney damage.  this was weighing more heavily on me than I thought.

I am making a larger effort at walking.  I know it has to be done.  I don't want to have a stroke or a bypass before I am 40.  Is my heart that bad?  I don't know.  But why risk it?

I have been doing some fun virtual runs.  It is keeping me interested.  You log your miles and you get updates on where you are on a virtual course.  Its like $20-$25 per "race"  bt if it gets me moving, its money well spent.  I would like to participate in the QCM weekend in some capacity in September.  I don't think I will be HM ready by then so I am shooting for the 5K or the Marathon Relay if I can find some people to do it with me. Its only 3.5 months away, so I don't know if that is a realistic goal or not.  The marathon, not the 5K.  I know I can do that.  I think maybe my goal should be to walk it in under an hour?  We will see how the next 3 months go.  I want to race again.  I miss it so much.

I get so frustrated because I keep taunting myself with memories of the past.  Memories of that girl I used to be.  That girl who didn't appreciate what she was doing while she was doing it.  Some where along the way I ha forgotten where I had started, where I gone, and how I had gotten there.   Forgetting those things...I lost focus.  I let the circumstances surrounding dictate my reactions.  And when my emotional state is dictating m y actions, I get into trouble.

BUT focusing on the positive, I am ACTUALLY starting to do something about it.  I am not walking every single day, but more than I was. Small steps.  Creating a habit. A routine.  I have increased my water consumption. Those are my two big habits: Move More and Drink more water.  I feel like it is a good place to start.  I have the water thing down, so I added "cook more meals."  One, I am sick and tired of eating out.  I am bored with the options. Can't get bored with cooking because there is always a new recipe to try.  I have HUNDREDS pinned on Pinterest.  And I have like 10 cookbooks with recipes that are both favorites, and yet to be discovered.  I want to pick one new recipe each week.  Maybe two, but I am starting with one.

I know what I want now.  I know what I need to do to get there.  I want to run.  I want to wake up early on Saturdays (or Sundays) and run for a medal and a tee shirt.  I want to be the person that I took for granted 5 years ago.  

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The doctor's office called.  I am well on my way to dying young.  That's a hard realization.  I'm 34.  I have high cholesterol. I am severely obese.  I have high potassium levels in my blood.

I guess you can continue to ignore yourself and dig your own grave with a fat covered shovel or you can face the facts that are choking out your heart and kidneys. 

My doctor isn't necessarily overly concerned with the cholesterol because we are working together already about losing weight.  If after losing weight, there is still an issue with the cholesterol, then we will take a more aggressive approach. 

What if there is something wrong with my kidneys?  Are my kidneys damaged?  I don't know that this is necessarily the place to work this out, but I don't know what else to do until Tuesday.

I want to believe that it is nothing.  I also know that I was most likely dehydrated.  I also know that I can't ignore it.  I think it is becoming something to focus on OTHER that the fact that I am 300 fucking pounds.  I did this again.   I swore that I was never going to be like this again.  And here I am.  I don't wnt to be like this anymore.   I dont want to feel like this.  I am ashamed.  I am embarrassed., bu mostly, I am ashamed.  I am ashamed that my boys have a fat mom.  A lazy fat mom.  I want so badly to pretend that it isnt as bad as it is.  Then I get slapped with a picture that looks like this:


and it is no longer something you can ignore.  There it is. taking up the same amount of space as my mother and brother.  Yuck.  I am so glad that Matthew loves me.  If he wasn't so affectionate towards me...I honestly don't know what I would do.  I clearly do mot love myself.  My heart is struggling, my kidneys are damaged.  I am almost+ pounds overweight... Why can't I change it?  What is stopping me?! How can I go on everyday living like this?  I don't represent my family well. I don't represent my job well.

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Finding my way back...

 The main objective right now is to face and admit what went wrong.  Why did I give up?  What happened that made me decide that, once again, I don't matter.  the next few entries aren't necessarily for any one to read, but for me to put my words and thoughts and feelings into some sort of "real" existence so I might begin to sort it out.  I think this is important when you have the world you thought you lived in crumble around you, and hope with some semblance of strength and dignity you can find a way to pick up the crumbles and build it again.  You know it will never be the same, but with enough Hindsight you can realize that you don't want to build it up the same way it was...It leaves you lost. Confused...And with that...Let's begin.

So much has happened since I stopped writing.  I almost need to go back and read my own blog to know what has happened since my last Happy post.  I am not currently running anymore, but I am going to keep my tagline.  Eventually, I hope it will make sense again.  In the meantime,  I have to start piecing some pieces back together.  That's what you do when your world falls apart, right?  You pick up the pieces and you build something new.

I miss running.  I think that is first and foremost.  I felt like when I was doing races, earning medals...I was DOING something.  I was WORTH something.  When I got pregnant, I stopped running.  I didn't HAVE to, but I did.  Since then,  I have been through so much and I have been carrying so much inside of me, that I need to start letting it go.  How do I do that?  Where do I start?  I write it.  I don't care if anyone ever reads these words, but I am going to put them out there.  Out where they can't strangle me anymore, and I can move on, be healthy, and happy again.




After about two years of therapy after the Nightmare of 2013, I was finally able to start forgiving my husband for what happened.  Have I completely let it go?  No.  Absolutely not.  I don't know that I will ever be able to, but I have learned to live around it. That seems the best way to describe it.  I have built up the broken pieces, but there is a part of the structure that still has a hole in it. A weak spot. One day, it may be strengthened, but I am still working on  that.  I feel like I am working on a lot of shit, but I can't ever finish... Work in progress.  Ha!  I hate that phrase.  I don't want to be a work in progress.  I want to be better.  I want to feel better.

One of the big Silver Linings is that I finally got treatment for my depression.  I have never really acknowledged that aspect of my existence before.  I just lived my life in a dark shadow, and just dealt with the fact that that was my life.  My existence was a constant fog.  Some days it was impossible to see what was ahead of me, and some days it wasn't worth the effort it took to look around to see if it was foggy or not.  It didn't matter.  Nothing mattered.  I didn't.  Sometimes I still don't. I'm getting better with that.  Some days I matter a whole lot.  And those are the days I feel selfish.  And guilty.When those demons rear their heads, I lose sight of that value and go right back to hating myself. No, not hate.  Hate is too strong of a word..too strong of an emotion.  When I am on a dark day, there is not life in my enough to generate ANY emotion, let alone hate.  It is just nothingness.  My depression isn't about being sad.  I think that is a common misconception.  "Sad" is an emotion I don't have the energy for...


I suppose if your primary state of existence (for as long as you can remember) is a constant flip from miserable about your yourself (see the bottom half of the person in the info-gram)  to nothing at all... there isn't much effort being put into taking care the other things like health.  At this point, I feel like I should mention that I have started going back to therapy, in case some one DOES read this and becomes concerned.

I have started taking a little bit more of an active role in my life. Its small but I need to start somewhere.  I am setting small goals for myself.  Nothing too big.  Increase water consumption.  Get to bed a little earlier.  Move more than the day before.  Just small things.  I haven't found my spark yet.  I haven't found that catalyst to really jump start my efforts.  Though I believe that catalyst will come after the phone call with the doctor I will have this afternoon. 

Until next time I will say Press on, and Make Strides :

Starting Point: Here we are again

Where shall I even begin trying to describe where I am now?  In the last 3 years, give or take, I have managed to put myself right back to where I was before I lost any of my weight.  Right back to where I SWORE I would never be again.  I don't need to get into detail of what has occurred that has led me back here, but I know what it comes down to is that I just stopped caring.  I stopped caring about taking care of myself.  Putting in the effort to plan my meals, exercise regularly, take care of myself.  It wasnt for a lack of good intentions because I have those in spades.  In fact, I have so many good intentions I could afford to give some away.