Cracking

I feel like I am living in an after school special or a teenage, coming of age novel, but I have no narrator to tell me what is going on, or how its going to get better.

I cried last night.  It was the first time I have really let myself cry.  Nolie wanted to play with this

Melissa & Doug board that  has different types of locks and latches on it. Each door opens to a different number/colored animal

. 

And when ever the boys would open one up, Mom would say what it was super fast, like "OnePurplePony" "FiveGreenFrogs."  Nolie asked me to play it with him, and I literally couldn't do it. All I could hear was Mom saying that, with the laughter in her voice, slamming the door back shut to make the boys laugh.  It was the realization that she was never going to do that again.

It broke me.  It broke my closed off wall that I had been fortifying against my pain.  I know it has to happen.  I know I am going to have to deal with her being gone.  But I don't want to.  I'm not ready to tell her good bye.  If I refuse to do it, then it can't be true.

My armor is cracking.  I am sure that this is a relief to some people (Matthew in particular) who have been worried that I am about to slide in the wrong direction, and undo all the work Dr. Terry and I have been doing.  I don't know that that is the case.  But I don't really know how to do this.  How does one deal with their mom, their best friend...?  I keep trying to convince myself that there is no WRONG way to do this.