Thursday, June 8, 2017

4 years

That's how long it has been since I have put any sort of effort into myself.  It is so much "easier" to focus on other people's issues than my own. 4 years is a long time to do nothing.  I can try to lie to myself, or make excuses as to WHY I stopped caring about and for myself, but they would be just that, lies and excuses.

Im tired of lies and excuses.  4 damn years of lies to myself and excuses as to why those lies dictate my life.  I am tired of having that control my life, my feelings, my well-being. I'm going to be 35 next month.  I don't want to enter into my late 30s still feeling like this.  Still avoiding feeling anything.

I think one of the biggest, most valuable lessons I have learned in the last few years, going through what I did, is that I learned to appreciate me for who I am.  I have never really felt that way before. I am not saying that I had this huge break through, and I am in love with myself, and I have found my self worth.  Lordy, no.  But I have found pieces of myself that I am comfortable with being me.   I'm not someone that can conform.  I am suffocated. Stagnant.  I need to express myself.  I need to know I am ok being different.  I have let go a bit of my fear of people's judgements.  Social pressures are different now than they were 4 years ago.  Its a drop in the hat, but there have been changes.  And I think that I am benefiting from them.  I still have a long way to go.  There is no magic pill that will cure my Dysthymia & Major Depressive Disorder.  That is something I will have to learn to live with every day, but I am learning that I am pretty ok just the way I am.  And on clear days, good days, I know that I am better than ok.  On clear days, I can value me for who and what I am, but I am also able to recognize that being ok with myself, doesn't mean that I can't make improvements. Clear days.

I feel like I am having more clear days lately.  4 years ago, I prayed for a partly cloudy day I have spent so much time pretending that I was ok.  For what?  Did it make me feel better?  No.  

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Who benefits?  Not me.  So I am so busy making other people feel comfortable with my "shortcomings" that I have no energy left to actually DO something that could make me feel a bit better about my self and my life... What kind of stupid useless existence is that?!?! 

Maybe the realization of this thinking has led to to have more clear days.  Its nice to exist in a world where there is hope that, even for a day, the clouds will part and I will have some relief from the weight of my own mind.

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Some where down the road, I know I will find myself.  I will find that person I was meant to become.  For now, I am going to continue working on living as the pretty awesome person I am.  Some day there will be fewer lies, fewer excuses.  Some day I won't need them. 

Until next time, Press On and Make Strides

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