I have been doing a LOT of thinking. A lot of self reflection. Trying to find my mountains as instructed. Honestly, at this point everything feels like a mountain. My weight, my job, my marriage, my kids... I feel like I am struggling to conquer any of them. I've decided,just this moment, to define each of those. Each is complex, and overwhelming. It may be silly to pour out my inner toils and struggles to the nameless, faceless depth of the internet, but hey, what do I have to lose? The only issue with this, is that I have to find a way to vocalize things, and feelings, and perceptions in such a way that brings them to life. It is the only way to make them real in a place other than my own head.
That may be one of the things that I struggle with. Making them real. I'm not ready to make them real yet. If I make them real, I will have to deal with them. Then what am I left with? The complete unknown. Something I have never known before.
If I was to be 100% honest, I don't remember ever not feeling like this. Some days I feel strong and fearless. Ready to tumble the mountains, and then days come when I feel so weak, and so empty that I can't even get myself to get out of bed. I know that this is something I will have to live with, deal with, survive....for the rest of my life. People want to say that exercise, a healthy diet, sunshine, get enough of these things and you will "get better." No. No, I won't. I don't expect you to understand that... My brain doesn't work the way yours does. I need my meds. I need them to regulate my chemicals, so keep me from destroying myself.
What I haven't said, or don't want to say, is that it is my largest, scariest mountain. Will exercise help me feel better about my body? Yes. Will eating a healthy diet help me feel better? Yes. Will sunshine feel good and increase my Vitamin D? Yep. Will those things cure my depression? No.
It is my greatest mountain.
Until next time, Press On and Make Strides