Saturday was a great day. I felt good... Sunday was the exact opposite. Way far away opposite. I haven't quite recovered from that. I'm back in therapy. Which is good. I know its good.... Its scary. Its terrifying to know that there is no hiding. If I hide, then it isnt going to help and we will just be wasting money. Dr. Terry wants me to identify my metaphorical mountains that need conquered. She says they aren't really mountains, but I am going to feel like they are. I haven't even tried to name them yet, and its already feeling like too much. I know it is going to get worse before it gets better in this case. That is terrifying too. And its really hard to look past the terrifying part and see that there is hope that i won't have to constantly live like this.
For someone who went to college with the intentions of becoming a therapist, I have been avoiding this for quite some time. I'm scared. I'm scared to face the past, the present... and the future.
Everything is a fucking mountain. I'm tired of climbing. I'm tired. Not sleepy. My soul is tired. My soul is exhausted... I think I am trying to be something that I'm not. Something I never was. Something I can never be. I am pretending to have confidence. I'm pretending that I am...more than what I am. Fake it till you make it, right? But I am not going to "make it" when I know that I will never be able to be that person. I am too lost. I don't who I am...who I am supposed to be. Every time I feel like I am making progress, I am shot down. I want so many things that I know I can never have.
I'm lost. LOL, lost? How can a person be lost when they don't even know where they are supposed to be?
Until next time, Press On and Make Strides