Sometimes, at the most random of moments... a picture, a phrase, a moment in time... and I remember, like a cannonball to my chest, that she isn't here anymore. Like all of this other stuff that is happening right now...it shouldn't even matter, because she isn't here. Oh Lordy, she would be so mad at me if she EVER heard me say that out loud. 90% of the effort I am putting into the things I am doing now, are because she isn't here anymore. Because I made a promise to her. The last thing I would ever give to her, was my word that I would take care of my family for her. And that I would take care of myself for her. Because it was what she wanted...
And, now, its all that is left that I can give her. I will plunge head first into things I don't want to face, or talk about, because I know it is the way that I keep my promise and honor a woman who did nothing but care for and love other people. That's how I honor her. But it is so hard to do... It hurts so much. Not as much as not having her, but it hurts. In a different way. I don't want to be scared any more. I don't want to feel unworthy of love or greatness. Thats not what she wanted for her children. And now, each time I feel that way, I look at her smiling face, and remember that she NEVER wanted me to feel like this. She wanted me to be Great. To be something Special.
She wants me To Be Me.
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